There’s been in me a recent desire for my body to turn to glass, my flesh hollow and transparent. I wonder if then, you would finally be able to see my soul.

Would it be laid bare, easily examined, studied, able to be known? Would it double and diffract through spidered cracks, born not just of the hardships of existing in the world, but also the tragic violence that I inflict upon myself. Or perhaps it would only hint at its existence through a frosted misty boundary, hiding its curves and true edges. Would the glass still reflect my same habits, a soul scared yet desperate to be seen?

What tints of color would my heart take on, my liver, my lungs, my throat, my bones? What patterns would design their surfaces? Would I still have my mother’s brown eyes?

I want to love as glass, to see how the light dances through you – how the world, shaped by your presence, becomes more beautiful. To be loved is to be seen, and I want to see it all. And if after seeing it all there is still love to spare, I imagine there is nothing more romantic than crashing into each other, body and soul. Perhaps as glass I would not worry that I am too much.

But my body is not made of glass. It does not shatter gracefully, nor set my soul free. Instead for my love I am left with a blunt thud, confused and reeling. It aches and smarts, but to bruise is to heal.

It is almost dusk, the sun is kissing the water’s edge, and I am curled up in his arms. On a busy airport morning, sitting on my suitcase as cars pass by, I wait not for a make or model but instead, for a familiar face and smile. There is a silence in the night sky, and no one in the park can see us holding hands but the trees and the stars.

Glass could never be soft like this, soft like a boy at sunset. Soft like the comfort of a childhood friend and the warmth in their eyes. Soft like her hands and the gentle distance of my desire.

I am learning to love with this body – slowly, gently, tenderly. I am learning to trust in the existence and beauty of what we cannot see. Maybe it is a blessing, to be able to love without falling apart.